hello light. life. sparkling windows and chicken and rice

i'm housesitting in bartonville right now. My old beloved friend, canine partner in crime, Kodi, is passing away. I am taking care of him as his pounds shed away and his limbs grow unsteady. I carry him around the house with me, to the front yard, and tuck him into his doggie bed to feed him crushed ice, freshly sliced turkey, boiled chicken with brown rice, and handful of vegetables. my sweet comrade, sophie's male equivalent, i will miss you when you finally wander.

"your pain the the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain. and could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy. and you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields. and you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief." -Khalil Gibran

today at hilltop montessori school

there are times when everything builds up so fast. nothing will take its own shape. everything is rigid and painful. gathering the will to read a book or write a poem or sleep or breathe or walk or cry or reach out seems impossible. it becomes too much. it comes from no where. though it is one of the most terrifying states,it does not gain a response. it gains my complete inability to respond.

me as mass, a vast expansion of nothingness, full of lazy confusion and inability. inability to perceive. inability to cope. inability to feel. inability to breathe. truly.

as i lie spiritually motionless, a friend claps her hands around my senses and giggles to her beat. as suddenly as I was barred, those sharp reverberating sparks break through layers of inability as if it were as easy as popping a bubble, and then she points in me at my illuminated seed of possibility.

i let life take its form, allowing its abundance to pull me up. i stand. shaky, but able. breathing, i bless those children's cubbies with a a heart full of sincerity and longing.

here is to the southwest and here is to five years

there is a fullness that i want to share. this bliss, formed of clay made from the particles of life, is feeding my passion and filling up my being. let me place it in any empty spots you may have. i would mold it perfectly for you so you could feel the light weight of freedom.

this fullness came to me straight from this dry red ground, where buried secrets lay, waiting to be nurtured by a needy spirit, brought to life, and freed from the bounds of memory, now able to dance in this beastly desert wind.

this fullness, embedded at the base of my heart, lights up my spirit and makes it ready to chase after those crusty mountains that scrape the soft blue sky where hope trickles from, encircling my purity and protecting it from the tainted asphalt of human fears.

this fullness, echoing off the racketing tracks, makes me want to hop that west-bound train and travel far into the depths of youth and wonder, escaping the acquired cynicism that comes with aging disappointment. when i am old and dying, youth will be so deeply embedded in my spine that i will light up with its wonder even after my spirit is just another secret buried in this desert land.

last night in the teepee

harmonious isolation,
absence of longing,
vibrant colors and vibrant thoughts.
under the stars
the wind is restless, brewing.
tomorrow i will feel lost.
tomorrow i will feel scared.
tomorrow i will feel that the world holds no meaning.
that i hold no potential to change tomorrow.
but for now
the moon is bright
and i am here, fully present, feeling the world's cold hands at my back.

we should

help each other. become better. stronger. less socially awkward. instead of isolating, hurting, passively dismissing. we should work on being better. better friends. better listeners. better livers. better dancers. better conversationalists. better roommates. better walkers. better talkers. better better better. lets work on pushing each other up. lets work on loving each other. lets. be. better. at. being.

sometimes i wish i were someone else

and then i think about a few things that make my heart smile...

ridiculous evenings


the beginning of something grand


falling inlove


sort of wishing we were joined at the hip...


too much to say

to a friend who doesn't read my blog, but to a friend nonetheless.

Sometimes in the morning I am petrified and can't move
Awake but cannot open my eyes
And the weight is crushing down on my lungs
I know I can't breathe
And hope someone will save me this time
And your mother's still calling you insane and high
Swearing it's different this time
And you tell her to give in to the demons that possess her
And that god never blessed her insides
Then you hang up the phone and feel badly for upsetting things
And crawl back into bed to dream of a time
When your heart was open wide and you love things just because
Like the sick and dying

And sometimes when you're on
You're really fucking on
And your friends they sing along
And they love you
But the lows are so extreme
That the good seems fucking cheap
And it teases you for weeks in its absence
But you'll fight and you'll make it through
You'll fake it if you have to
And you'll show up for work with a smile
And you'll be better
You'll be smarter
More grown up and a better daughter or son
And a real good friend
And you'll be awake
You'll be alert
You'll be positive though it hurts
And you'll laugh and embrace all of your friends
And you'll be a real good listener
You'll be honest
You'll be brave
You'll be handsome and you'll be beautiful
You'll be happy

Your ship may be coming in
You're weak but not giving in
To the cries and the wails of the valley below
Your ship may be coming in
You're weak but not giving in
And you'll fight it you'll go out fighting all of them