now i'm in pennsylvania

i've been reading this book on midwifery that my mom got me for christmas. tomorrow bennett is going to holland and eli and i are headed to a sufi farm to pick up joanna and carl. from there we will head to eli's treehouse in east berlin, pennsylvania. then to philadelphia then new york city for the new year.

i like being here. i always stay up late when i'm here. last night i went to bed at 6 am. i haven't remembered what day it is for a few days now. this house is really quiet. eli is sleeping and bennett is in the basement. i usually really enjoy the night time. there is so much room for thought and creativity. and there are so few distractions that it is easy to feel connected and aware. but tonight i think i'm feeling a little too strongly for my comfort level.

everyone is in their own places. living their own lives. some of the boys are on tour. some of the girls are headed to seattle. some are hanging around denton. i'm here feeling very connected to myself but so distant and disconnected from everyone that i care about. it is just sort of strange.

it is really this feeling of disconnection. it makes me lose faith in a lot of things. and it makes me doubt connection ever having existed. which makes my perspective even more dim. i also don't feel like this entry accurately portrays where I am at. this blog is disconnected too.

i look forward to tomorrow. seeing joanna and seeing the farm will be encouraging.

california

hiking. singing. sushi-ing. laughing. losting. painting. reading. writing. picture taking. sleeping. knitting. driving. coffee-ing. story telling.

all in all it was a pretty fantastic trip

the good kind of cold

i went on a walk tonight and it was the good kind of cold. i came back with a better perspective than when i left. i thought about all the things that i want to say to my friends. soooo... i'm not going to study anymore tonight. i'm going to write love letters.

i'm the best i've ever been

it is taking some getting used to. in the past i always functioned on such extremes. the highs were always so high, so exhausting. then the lows were always so low. now there is balance. life is as it should be. but it is taking some getting used to. because i don't seem to feel things as intensely, i feel inspirationally dehydrated. i want to create, but all my senses have been neutralized. i used to feel so strongly. the lows were so bad, but coming out of those lows was always so exhilarating. creatively explosive. none of that was real though. i want to be inspired again. but with where i am. i love where i am. this is real. i have finally achieved balance. but hey... where did my creativity go?
i'm the best i've ever been. but it is taking some getting used to.

i love my bike

on friday I noticed that the colors in the trees were really pretty and that there wasn't too much wind blowing the branches. I decided to hop on my bike and ride down oak street till it dead ends into some country road. it was sweet and quiet and i felt present. It is now on my top 4 bike rides of all time.

1. friday
2. picnic ride last spring with andrew
3. house sitting ride last summer with jesse and eli
4. my first real denton bike ride. with johann.

Last night was great. thanks everyone.