now i'm in pennsylvania

i've been reading this book on midwifery that my mom got me for christmas. tomorrow bennett is going to holland and eli and i are headed to a sufi farm to pick up joanna and carl. from there we will head to eli's treehouse in east berlin, pennsylvania. then to philadelphia then new york city for the new year.

i like being here. i always stay up late when i'm here. last night i went to bed at 6 am. i haven't remembered what day it is for a few days now. this house is really quiet. eli is sleeping and bennett is in the basement. i usually really enjoy the night time. there is so much room for thought and creativity. and there are so few distractions that it is easy to feel connected and aware. but tonight i think i'm feeling a little too strongly for my comfort level.

everyone is in their own places. living their own lives. some of the boys are on tour. some of the girls are headed to seattle. some are hanging around denton. i'm here feeling very connected to myself but so distant and disconnected from everyone that i care about. it is just sort of strange.

it is really this feeling of disconnection. it makes me lose faith in a lot of things. and it makes me doubt connection ever having existed. which makes my perspective even more dim. i also don't feel like this entry accurately portrays where I am at. this blog is disconnected too.

i look forward to tomorrow. seeing joanna and seeing the farm will be encouraging.

california

hiking. singing. sushi-ing. laughing. losting. painting. reading. writing. picture taking. sleeping. knitting. driving. coffee-ing. story telling.

all in all it was a pretty fantastic trip

the good kind of cold

i went on a walk tonight and it was the good kind of cold. i came back with a better perspective than when i left. i thought about all the things that i want to say to my friends. soooo... i'm not going to study anymore tonight. i'm going to write love letters.

i'm the best i've ever been

it is taking some getting used to. in the past i always functioned on such extremes. the highs were always so high, so exhausting. then the lows were always so low. now there is balance. life is as it should be. but it is taking some getting used to. because i don't seem to feel things as intensely, i feel inspirationally dehydrated. i want to create, but all my senses have been neutralized. i used to feel so strongly. the lows were so bad, but coming out of those lows was always so exhilarating. creatively explosive. none of that was real though. i want to be inspired again. but with where i am. i love where i am. this is real. i have finally achieved balance. but hey... where did my creativity go?
i'm the best i've ever been. but it is taking some getting used to.

i love my bike

on friday I noticed that the colors in the trees were really pretty and that there wasn't too much wind blowing the branches. I decided to hop on my bike and ride down oak street till it dead ends into some country road. it was sweet and quiet and i felt present. It is now on my top 4 bike rides of all time.

1. friday
2. picnic ride last spring with andrew
3. house sitting ride last summer with jesse and eli
4. my first real denton bike ride. with johann.

Last night was great. thanks everyone.

hey everyone

so first of all- this weather is awesome. I woke up this morning, got bundled up and went on a walk with carlos, clementine, and sophie. it was perfect really. except that clementine likes chasing cars and that is sort of unnerving.

then I baked up my first successful gluten-free baking experiment without the use of a pre-packaged flour mixture. it is a gluten-free, vegan sweet potato corn bread dish from scratch. and it is AwEsOmE. I even made my own eggs with whole flax seeds and water. it was all pretty fantastic. those of you who will be at friendsgiving tomorrow will get to experience the excitement first hand.

also... i've been rolling up my yarn into manageable organized balls. i'll be knitting any hour now... i'm also really excited about our secret santa business. the coolest part is that I am so crazy about all my friends that I am not even hoping for any particular person. i could get anyone and be stoked. i pretty much love all of my friends.

thanksgiving was good this year. my family played a pretty seriously intense game of spoons. I hung out with my mommmm and she bought me undies and shoes. I hung out with some old friends. picked out easel wood for the art show. am starting to freak out about school....

i think one reason that I love cold weather so much is that I feel like it justifies the excessive amount of time I spend inside. this weather is perfect for so much that I love to do: dye paper, weave, knit, read, bake, take baths, day dream, BUT my wheel is outside in the patio... so throwing would be sort of uncomfortable right now. and bike riding is sort of a drag in the rainy/cold weather.

school is scary.

i am so happy about the world right now. I am just so inspired and excited. Feelings all have their purpose, but I don't think that there is a better, more uplifting feeling than this. thanks for reading.

today is sooooooooo much better

and so much of that is my perspective.

today was such a terrible fucking day

tomorrow will be sooooooo much better. i hope.

i wish i had my enneagram book

last night was pretty awesome... i really cut loose. my ego is feeling it this morning. usually the morning after hanging out with friends i feel embarrassed and worry that i made an ass of myself. i usually sit around trying to study and have pangs of cringing memories that i am probably exaggerating in my head. ah, well... if i make an ass out of myself when around people I guess this is just something about myself I need to learn to love. or at least find a little bit amusing. i guess i'm sort of scared of people, which is a bummer. but i bet everyone is at least a little bit afraid too.

talking to the girls was good last night. i need to overcome my anxiety and do more of that. growing up with a house full of boys has been sort of a drag on my social life.

i went on a walk this morning at 6:30. it was pretty fantastic. denton was still and the leaves were feeling the season. and i was excited not to sleep until noon. last night when i got home i seriously burnt my tongue on some chamomile tea.

a good morning read

Evoking the power of compassion in us is not always easy. I find myself that the simplest ways are the best and the most direct. Every day, life gives us innumerable chances to open our hearts, if we can only take them. An old woman passes you with a sad and lonely face and two heavy plastic bags full of shopping she can hardly carry. Switch on a television, and there on the news is a mother in Beirut kneeling above the body of her murdered son, or an old grandmother in Moscow pointing to the thin soup that is her only food.
Any one of these sights could open the eyes of your heart to the fact of vast suffering in the world. Let it. Don't waste the love and grief it arouses. In the moment you feel compassion welling up in you, don't brush it aside, don't shrug it off and try quickly to return to "normal", don't be afraid of your feelings or be embarrassed by it, and don't allow yourself to be distracted from it. Be vulnerable: Use that quick, bright, uprush of compassion- focus on it, go deep into your heart and meditate on it, develop it, enhance and deepen it. By doing this you will realize how blind you have been to suffering.
All beings, everywhere, suffer; let your heart go out to them all in spontaneous and immeasurable compassion.

-Sogyal Rinpoche

hmmm

I haven't had one of these since my xanga account (i_am_casey).... lets see how this goes...

a lot of things are changing for me. i'm trying to be strong and have a little integrity. instead i find myself mostly drinking wine and writing bad poetry that I hide in mason jars. i really want to go camping. i want to drive to arlington to buy some knitting yarn. i want to be better with friends.

it is november. perfect for leaf collecting and knitting scarfs. School should be cancelled in november so that people could just sit by fireplaces and fall inlove with the weather. no time for school if when we stay cuddled up in bed all morning thinking about how wonderful and cold the weather is. and cats.... cats are the best in cold weather. basically everything, even a sad heart, is perfect in the month of november.