I know this much is true

I've emerged from a funky past few days, and though it is nearly impossible to do in the moment, I truly appreciate those chunks of downer days that this experience has occasionally bestowed upon me. I know this much is true, when I am unhappy it is because I am looking for life outside myself, and in turn living in a state of miserable longing.

One evening completely fed up with my self-induced misery, I made a list of things I could do to relieve myself of this slumpish state. My list did not include calling up any friends with my fancy new phone card or escaping to the internet shop to write desperate emails to my Mom. I want to find peace within myself. I owe myself that.

After sorting out my list, I went down stairs and asked Sweety if I could help her, and to my surprise she said yes. I spent the next two hours shredding garlic cloves for preserving, and feeling more and more at peace from the repetitious work as my hands slowly peeled away the layers of skin surrounding the fresh clove while the potent juices stung my delicate fingers. I came upstairs and did yoga for an hour stretching every possible muscle in my body there is to stretch. Then sitting on my little rag woven mat, I turned a prayer my 2 1/2 year old niece created into a mantra, and I wished peace upon everything I both love and despise.

Fully stretched and with a clear head, I opened up my journal and found an entry that I wrote just three weeks after being here:

"Some days, overwhelmed with isolation and lack of normalcy, I wake up cursing the male chauvinism that dominates this culture, their filthy streets, and the minor discourtesies. Allowing contempt and intolerance to settle at the base of my heart, I begrudgingly trudge through those days with little enthusiasm, mimicking the abrasive disposition that in those moments I despise. Other days, when acknowledging my isolation and recognizing its potential, I arise with life in my eyes, and a clear heart with a knack for understanding."

Our path is a lonely path in all worldly terms, perfect as it is, and until we can learn to walk our path alone, we are incapable of truly living with others in all our glory and magnificence. This is a lesson I am having to learn again and again. Everything I need resides within myself and my spiritual understanding, and I most certainly will not be happy if I am consumed with my finding happiness. My handicap is my self-absorption.

Let us learn who we are and fully embrace those discoveries. Then we can sincerely contribute. Then we can share.